I am a super-sentimental girl who has been known to cry during dog food commercials. I believe in butterfly kisses and true love. I am thankful for my partner each and every day of the year.
But in spite of all that, Valentine’s Day has never really floated my boat. I’ve coasted through many of them in my forty-two years. I’ve been happily single for some, and not-so-happily alone for others. I’ve had V-Days where I’ve been smack dab in the middle of new love, and many more where I’ve been warm and fuzzy and content with my long-term love. The circumstances haven’t really changed how I feel about the day.
Maybe holidays that don’t involve getting off work just don’t do it for me. Maybe the commercialism that has been doused on the day has turned me off. Or maybe I just don’t do the V-Day version of “romance” because I’d rather curl up with my guy and watch football than go see a chick flick, or throw on my favorite jeans and boots and head to the pub than put on a little black dress and heels for a night of dining and dancing.
Whatever the reason, when I thought about what to write in honor V-Day, I just wasn’t feeling “my favorite romantic heroes” or “the best love stories of all time” or even “why I heart my boyfriend,” although I most certainly do.
So instead, I give you my top three Anti-Valentine Couples from some of my favorite television series. Why not? We’ve become an “every kiss begins with Kay” society. Although the pairs on my list are certainly puke-worthy, they make me less queasy than the commercials that remind men to send their lady love flowers at her office so that her colleagues can all sigh with envy and go home to sulk because their own partners are insensitive doucherockets.
Warning: If you are a fan of any of these series and are behind in your watching, this may spoil some surprises. I doubt it, but just in case, you’ve been warned.
#3 – Andrea and ‘The Governor,”The Walking Dead“
When I read Walking Dead message boards, most references to Andrea seem to be begging the writers to give her a zombie-chomped death. She’s just not a popular character. But I’ve always been in her court. I preferred her ballsiness and desire to be as self-reliant and badass as the men to the whiny save-me-and-make-the-scary-dead-people-go-away nature of most of the other females on the show.
But when she started boinking “The Governor,” I had to reluctantly join Team Andrea Sucks. Since Michonne saved her ass repeatedly, I expected her to trust her friend’s intuition about The Gov being “off.” Instead, she let the fact that she hadn’t been laid since she jumped Shane’s bones on a zombie-shooting road trip get the best of her and remained in Woodbury. This clearly breaks the Post Apocolypse Girl-Code, which is “do not hook up with men your BFF suspects of being a head-hoarding psychopath.”
Because, ewwww. Guys who keep heads in jars just can’t be good in bed, can they?
#2 – Jaime and Cersei Lannister, Game of Thrones.
This one needs no explanation for those who watch the show or read the books. But just in case, here goes:
1. Brother-Sister horizontal mambo is all kinds of wrong. So is pushing little boys who see you doing the deed out of towers to avoid getting caught.
2. Their bro-sis love spawned Joffrey. Enough said.
The great thing about Jaime being a prisoner of war for most of Season 2 was that we were spared Lannister lovefests. Well, actually, we weren’t, since Cersei started boinking her cousin. The bitch is just nasty.
#1 – Frank and Sheila, Shameless.
OK, Frank and Sheila aren’t even a couple anymore. But their whirlwind “romance” is forever etched in my brain, in the dark corner where nightmares live and monsters lurk under the bed. Here’s the Reader’s Digest version of their love story:
– Frank gets tossed out of his house because he’s a selfish, pathetic drunk who steals mortgage money from his kids.
– He gets tired of sleeping in dumpsters so he woos Sheila, the shut-in next door, so that she’ll let him move in.
– In exchange for a roof over his head, he lets her stick phallic objects in places we can assume he’s never had anything stuck before.
Frank is a classic user who would (and has actually tried) to sell his own children for beer money. But don’t feel bad for the mentally disturbed, manipulated Sheila. She was OK with the arrangement as long as Frank let her bring her toys out.
While with Sheila, Frank had a fling with a woman he called Butterface (as in ‘everything’s hot but her face’), and his bipolar, bisexual wife, not to mention his one-nighter with Sheila’s daughter. No worries though. Sheila is fine now. She’s shacking up with her daughter’s husband and raising the baby they all thought might have been Frank’s (or Frank’s son’s), but who turned out to be Chinese.
Frank made out fine on their relationship, too, since the changes her toys inflicted on his nether-regions got him home from a drunken blackout in Mexico and opened him up to a whole new career.
So there you have it. My fictional Anti-Valentines. What fictional couple are your lesson in what love should never be? Or, if you prefer to play nice, who is the fictional couple who makes your heart melt?
Happy Valentine’s Day!